D Business of Having Fun: August 2006

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Battle of the Brainless

Pls note, the title is 'Battle of the Brainless'. Now, it is no
longer a battle ... the brainless have won by a landslide.

Host : Ano ang ginagamit na floatation device sa dagat upang hindi
ka malunod?
Clue : starts with the letter S (salbabida) Beep!
Contestant : Sirena?
Host : Hinde! Hindi ito babae. Beep!
Contestant : Siyokoy?
Host : Hindi! Hindi ito lalake. Beep!
Contestant : Siyoke?

H : What is the national tree of the Philippines?
Clue : Starts with the letter "N"
C : Niyog?
H : Mas matigas pa diyan.
C : (In a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!

H : Ano ang total ng 2 + 2?
C : Three!
H : Hinde, mas mataas pa diyan.
C : (In a high pitched voice) Three!

H : Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?
Clue : "B" ang simula (Bagumbayan)
C : Sa back?
H : O sige, pwede rin na ang simula ay "L" (Luneta)
C : Sa likod?
H : Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P" and initials ng modern
name niya (Rizal Park)
C : Sa rear part?

H : Saan tayo madalas pumupunta pag summer upang maligo?
Clue : Starts with "B" (Beach)
C : Banyo?
H : Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.
C : Sa bubong?
H : Hindi, marami kang makikita doong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
C : Sa beerhouse?

H : What is the national bird of the Philippines?
Clue : Starts with the letter "M" (Maya)
C : Manok?
H : Hindi, brown ang kulay nito.
C : Piniritong manok?
H : Hindi, nagtatapos sa letter "A"
C : Piniritong manoka?
H : Hindi, mas maliit pa sa manok.
C : Maggie chicken cube?

H : What is the national flower of the Philippines?
Clue : It starts with the letter "S" (Sampaguita)
C : Sunflower?
H : Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
C : Stork?
H : Hindi. Bulaklak sabi, eh.
C : Sitsarong bulaklak?
H : Hindi pa rin. Ends with the letter "A"
C : Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
H : O, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko p
C : pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa
letrang "A", at kapangalan ito ng isang sikat na singer.
C : Si Sharon Cuneta!

H : Ano ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Clue : "L" ang simula ng pangalan niya.
C : Lifebuoy?
H : Hindi, pero kahawing nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng
taong ito.
C : Safeguard?
H : Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
C : Safe boy?
H : Hindi siya 'boy' at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.
C : Si Mr. Clean!

H : Sino ang kauna-unahang chess grandmaster of Asia?
Clue : Kapangalan niya ang tao ng chess (Eugene Torre)
C : Carole King?
H : Hindi, mas mababa sa King.
C : Al Quinn?
H : Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
C : Armida Siguion-Reyna?
H : Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
C : Bishop Bacani?
H : Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
C : Johnny Midnight?
H : Mas mababa pa sa knight.
C : Jerry Pons?
H : O ayan, ha. Nabanggit mo na ang lahat ng piyesa. Yung
kahulihulihang piyesa na lang.
C : Sylvia la Torre?

H : Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 peso bill?
Clue : Ang initials niya ay N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)
C : Nora Aunor?
H : Hindi, ang last letter ng palayaw niya ay 'Y'
C : Guy Aunor?
H : Hindi, dati siyang senador.
C : Si former Senator Guy Aunor?
H : Hindi, patay na siya.
C : Ano!? Patay na si Nora Aunor!!??

Saturday, August 12, 2006

A Grammatical Nightmare

kapag nga naman cheap ang songhits na nabili..
Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin by Kitchie Nadal
"maaaaaaaaaag... , magdamag mong
sasabihin........"

Where's the Love

"People killing, people flying, children hurt and living,
crying..." (People killing, people dying; children
hurt and you hear them crying)

Red Hot's Zephyr Song

"Fly away on my CELLPHONE...I feel it more than
ever" (Fly away on my zephyr, I feel it more than
ever)

John Mayer

"You're ALICE IN WONDERLAND... You're ALICE
IN WONDERLAND I'll use my hands" (Body is a
wonderland)

Cry by Mandy Moore

"A walk to remember... it was late afternoon!" (I'll
always remember, it was late afternoon)

All My Life by KC and Jojo

"supposed to be you're like my mother, supposed
to be you're like my sister" (close to me you're like
my mother... close to me you're like my sister)

Leaving on a jet plane by John Denver

"so kiss me and SMAFFLE me... (so kiss me and
smile for me...)

Usher & Alicia's My Boo

"It started when we were younger you were NINE.."
(It started when we were younger you were mine)

If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys

"some people want TAMBOURINES.." (diamond
rings)

Suntok sa Buwan by Session Road "itanong mo sa HANGIN.. tatanungin ko rin.." (AKIN!)
Britney's Baby One More Time

"My ONLY NEST is killing me... and I........(My
loneliness....)

Thumbthumping (Chumbawumba)

"I get knocked down by an elephant, my
mommas's gonna bring me down... " (I get
knocked down, but I get up again...)

Crush by Jennifer Paige

"i-splash, a little crush.." (it's just.. a little crush..)

Red Hot's Californication

"Viva Californication...." (Dream of Californication...)

No scrubs, TLC

"A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fine but is also
known as a BUS STOP" (buster)

Waterfalls by TLC

"Don't go JASON waterfalls..." (Chasin')

Baa Baa Black Sheep

"Baa baa black sheep, heavy on the road..."

With A Smile by Eraserheads

"lift ur HAND.. baby dont be scared.. of the things
that could go wrong along the way.. (HEAD!!!)

two-trick pony by sandwich

"i have been waiting for you all night under the glow
of INSECENT LIGHT" (...under the glow of YOUR
SATELLITE)

On Bended Knees by Boyz II Men

"Oh God give me the reason, I'M DOWN...
ABANDON ME..."(I'm down on bended knee)

AND FINALLY....

Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You by
Glenn Medeiros

"Nothing's gonna change my love for you... you
know NAMAN MY LOVE how much I love you..."
(you ought to know by now how much I love you)

Expect The Unexpected

You are at a wedding

You are a total Diva

The best dress, a perfect hairdo...

You fall in love with an invited guest ..

You get secret looks the entire night...

On the dance floor, he's by your side constantly, and he dances like a god...

You are the couple of the evening...

The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women...

The bride is about to throw the bouquet...

You are first in line, in a strategic position...

Once there, you wait for the right moment...

You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him.....

If I catch the bouquet...I Will Marry You!

And then, the moment you've been waiting for...

The bride throws the bouquet...

He doesn't stop looking at you...

You jump like never before to catch the bouquet...

Your arms stretched out...

Your hands open...

And suddenly...

The Call

Si Dan, taga Bicol, dumating sa Amerika, sa tulong ng kanyang Kumpare na may kontak sa immigration sa Pilipinas.

Medyo tagilid ang papeles niya, kaya masyado siyang maingat (TNT baga). Ayaw man lang lumabas ng bahay si Dan, kung hindi kasama ang kanyang kumpare.

Eh minsan, nagsawa na ang kanyang kumpare sa kaaalalay sa kanya. "Pareng Dan," sabi ng kumpareng tinatago ang inis, "Eto ang susi ng kotse at mga credit cards ko. Magshopping ka naman sa Mall, para malibang ka. Kung may problema ka, tawagan mo ako sa telepono. Papasok na ako sa opisina."

Dahil siguro sa hiya ni Dan, kahit nerbiyos na nerbiyos siya, sinubukan niyang lumabas. Tuwang-tuwa si Dan sa pamamasyal sa Mall. Nakapili siya ng mga damit na gusto niya. Ngunit pagdating sa cashier, biglang nataranta at natakot si Dan!

Tanong ng cashier, "Visa or Master Card?" Haripas si Dan palabas, dahil sa takot! "Aba! Hinahanap ang visa ko! Baka nabisto na'ko! SYET!"

Sakay kaagad siya sa kanyang kotse. Harurot. Kaso, halos wala ng gas ang sasakyan, kaya huminto siya sa isang gas station. Nang maglalagay na siya ng gas, biglang nagsalita ang cashier sa speaker, "Sir, pay first, please."

"Naku, patay! Papers daw! Hinahanap ang papers ko!"

Nagtatakbo si Dan sa mga eski-eskinita, hanggang makakita siya ng pay phone. Patago-tago siyang lumapit sa payphone. "(Hingal) Kailangang matawagan ... ko si kumpare...para masundo niya ako rito (hingal)."

Pagtaas niya ng handle ng telepono, narinig niya, "AT&T. How can I help you?"

"Aba, anak ng putakteh! Alam na TNT ako! Buking na ako!"

Pagbaba niya ng telepono, may Amerikanong nakatayo sa likod niya, tanong ba naman, "Are you done?"

Separation Letter

Daddy,

Ipagpaumanhin nyo ni Mommy ang pagsulat ko sa inyo

para ipaalam na akoy

aalis na sa inyong poder.

Ako'y sasama na sa aking bagong boyfriend na si

Mark dahil gusto kong

takasan na kayo ni Mommy. Natagpuan ko na kay Mark

and tunay na pagmamahal

at napakabait nya sa akin, napaka malambing nya

hindi tulad ng iba kong

naging boyfriend. Alam ko na pag nakilala nyo sya ay

magugustuhan nyo din

siya, lalo na ang kanyang mga hikaw, tattoo nya sa

lahat ng parte ng

kanyang katawan at ang pang motorsiklo nyang damit.

Hindi lang sa pagkakaiba nya Dad kaya ko sya mahal

na mahal, eto ay dahil

sa buntis ako at sabi ni Mark na gusto nyang

magkaanak sya sa akin para

lalo kaming sumaya sa aming pagsasama. Kahit na

matanda sya sa akin (42 na

sya Dad, di pa naman matanda sa ngayon and edad nya

diba?) kahit na wala

syang pera, di naman eto hadlang sa aming relasyon,

hindi ba Dad? Syanga

pala Dad, maraming CD collection si Mark, meron din

syang trailer na truck

na kung saan doon kami magsasama, pinakang bahay na

namin ang trailer, at

marami na rin syang stock na panggatong para magamit

namin sa buong buwan

ng taglamig. Totoo na meron pa syang ibang

girlfriend pero alam ko na

magiging tapat sya sa akin sa kanyang sariling

pamamaraan, sa katunayan

gusto nyang marami kaming anak at eto ang isa sa

aking ambisyon. Tinuruan

na nga pala nya akong humithit ng marijuana at

masarap ang pakiramdam, sa

katunayan nagtanim na sya para ipagpalit sa aming

mga kaibigan ng shabu,

ecstasy na gusto namin.

Dad, sana ipagdasal mo na matuklasan na ang gamot sa

AIDS para gumaling na

si Mark, kasi deserving naman sya na gumaling!!

Huwag kang mag alala Dad 15

years old na ako at alam ko na kung paano

pangalagaan ang aking sarili.

Makikita mo Dad, ipagmamalaki mo rin ako at balang

araw bibisita kami sa

inyo para naman makilala mo ang iyong mga apo.

Nagmamahal mong anak,

Irene

PS: Dad, hindi totoo mga sinabi ko sa sulat. Nandito

lang ako sa

kapitbahay, pinapaalala ko lang sa iyo na mas marami

pang dapat ikatakot sa

buhay kesa aking report card na nasa drawer.

Pakipirmahan na lang po at

tawagan ako kung safe na akong umuwi dyan sa bahay.

I love you

The Wrong Way of Writing Letters

Note: This was supposedly found in a bar in Malate

To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you.
Why? What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I'm thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks and always calling to their house what time he go home or this or that and then he say he get ashame to met you iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very, very, very fat body but you hate it you thoughth you're the most prettiest girls he know about what do you think you are "Beautiful Girl" of Jose Mari Chan even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the rigth to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names before iether in front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I'm don't have any other choice but to called you other different name to like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING. You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I'm am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror. I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.
PS: You say that I'm the bad breathe. But who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me.

The Key to Success is to Have Fun

Ngayong Gabi...
.
.
Wala lang hayaan mo lang gumabi...
.
.
Pag inantok ka matulog ka na
.
Alangan naman magpa cute ka pa e gabi na!
_____

Anak: Itay, bibili ako ng bond paper
Itay: Anak, wag kang bobo ha? hindi "b o nd paper" ang tawag dun!
Anak: Ano po ba?
Itay: "Kokongban"
_____

Women are physically stronger than men...
Why?
Because women can carry two mountains at a time! while men can carry
only two eggs...
Take Note! with the help of a bird pa!
_____

4 kinds of "Utot"
1. Long but Harmless
2. Loud and Proud
3. Silent but Violent
4. Wet and Wild Big Smile
_____

Madre: Father, tell your seminarian not to urinate along the fence...
Father: Sister naman, maliit na bagay lang papansinin mo pa...
Madre: No Malalaki, Father.. Malalaki!Shocked
_____

Teacher: Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?
Student: Lito Lapid?
Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya...
Student: Lito Lito?
Teacher: Mahaba buhok nya!
Student: Lot Lot?
Teacher: Madami sila...
Student: Lot Lot And Friends? Wink
_____

Three girls make paalam to their Dad...
Girl 1: Dad, I'm going out with Pete to Eat.
Girl2: I'm going out with Lance to Dance.
Girl3: I'm going out with Chu c k to...
Dad: Ah, Hinde! Dito ka lang sa bahay!!!Hurmph
_____

Alam mo ba kung bakit may sabaw ang balot?
Kung Ikaw kaya ang ikulong sa shell... saan ka ji-jingle?
Aber?
Saan??
Sumagot kaaaa!!!
SaaaAANNNNNNN ?!?!?! Angry
_____

Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink? Wink
_____

Mommy 1: Ano ang pinapainom mo sa baby mo?
Mommy2: Promil para Matatag na Pangarap! eh ikaw?
Mommy3: Ako? Emperador, sa Totoong Tagumpay!
_____

Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?

Pare 1: OO pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako nakalusot!
_____

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
_____

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL",
Kaya ito uwi agad ako.
_____

Sino mas kawawa? yung taong iniwan ng mahal nya? o mga taong
nagmamahal ng walang gusto sa kanya? pareho lang di ba? pero mas kawawa yung
taong... bihis na bihis na tapos... hindi naman pala kasama !?!

Memo: Read This

Quote for the Day
Ang Buhay ay parang bato
.
.
.
It's Hard.
_____

A Husband came home 4AM and saw his wife in bed with another man
His wife shouted at him,
"Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"
_____

Ellen: eto nga ung joke: sa story of adam and eve... sbi ng ibang
lahi... definitely daw hindi pinoy si eba at adan...dahil kung pinoy
daw, hindi nun kakainin ung apple...ahas daw ang kakainin ng pinoy!
_____

Pasikatan ng Graduates
UP: Many past president graduated from our school; Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, just to name a few
Ateneo: That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes:
Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.
La Salle: Wala yan! Talo yan sa mga Graduates namin!
UP and Ateneo: Bakit? sino ba ang graduates nyo?
La Salle: Aba marami kaming sikat na graduates: si Gary Valenciano, Dindong
Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid at Monsour Del Rosario
_____

BUS HINOLDAP!
Holdaper: re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! sasagot pa! gagang 'to!
_____

Dalawang probinsyano sumakay sa elevator
Gorio: magkano ibabayad natin?
Andoy: tanga! inosente! bugok! stupid! bat ka magbabayad eh wala
pa tayong tiket!
_____

Pedro bumps a foreigner
Pedro: ay sori
Foreigner: sorry too
Pedro: sori 3
Foreigner: what are you sorry for?
Pedro: (kala mo bobo ako ha!) sori 5
Foreigner: i think you are sick!
Pedro: hahahaha! sick daw, seven sunod!
_____

Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng
problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?

Mister: nabuntis natin
si Inday, tayo ang ama!
_____

Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!
_____

Kapag may kaaway ka,
tandaan mo...
dito lang ako...
dito lang talaga ako...
tapos dyan ka lang,
wag kang pupunta dito!
baka madamay ako!

Medicine for Boredom

BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital):
Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, Bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako! Wink
_____

Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto namin
(dumaan ang mister nya...)
Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: Yoko sayo kamukha mo misis ko!Hurmph
_____

FACT: did you know that those people who laugh with "hehe" loves sex and
people who laugh with "haha" are intelligent?
...wala lang, just to let you know. hehe...
Ay, haha pala!Smile
_____

Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas
yummy daw talaga si mam!
_____

A chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar...
Spielberg hit the chinese...
Chinese: why you hit me?
Spielberg: coz you bombed Pearl Harbor, my father died there.
Chinese: but I am chinese not Japanese, stupid!
Spielberg: Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese... all the same!
... chinese punched Spielberg

Spielberg: why you hit me too?
Chinese: Thats for the sinking of TITANIC.
Spielberg: but the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you fool!
Chinese: Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!!
_____

Bigo ka ba sa luv? eto mga gud partner
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan
Bulag: walang paki sa looks mo
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!
_____

American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul..Wink
_____

Wife: Dear, ano regalo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa...
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!

Let's Take a Break

Break Muna...^_^

Frat meeting...
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walangmagawa sa
mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!Angry

Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!
_____

Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen
ko!!Shocked
_____

Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? ipakain sa

leon

o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Pedro: Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.
Hari: Mga kawal! ilabas si Jolibee!Wink
_____

Parishioner:Father bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may
kumbento? may asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay!
Tumatanggap ako ng labada!
_____

GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!! Wink
_____

Ano English ng "baka maswerte ako?
Beef Lucky Me!
Ano ang "maswerte ako Inay?"
Lucky Me Mami!
Ano ang "maswerte akong lalake?"
Lucky Me with Egg!
_____

Nun: I was raped... what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Hir, take this calamansi.
Nun: wil ds ease d pain?
Mother Superior: sipsipin mo! ng mawala ngiti sa mukha mo,
Gagits!!!
_____

Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo...
Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga Luneta at baka mapalo kita! tawagin mo na si kuya
FX mo!
_____

a mental patient is singing while lying on a hospital bed.
after a song dumapa sya
the nurse asked...
"O, bakit ka bumaliktad?"
he answered:
"Adik ka ba?! Side B na kaya!"
_____

Sabi Airforce: "No Guts No Glory!"
Sabi Marines: "No Retreat No Surrender!"
Sabi Army: "No Pain, No Gain!"
naks! ayaw patalo
Security Guards: "No I.D. No Entry!" Wink
_____

HONEYMOON:
Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I'm still a virgin
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!
Wife: ah ganon ba? Aray pala Wink
_____

Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Pano 'to?
BF: Areglo na lang po... 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M pag Girl
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?

D Business of Having Fun