THREE WISHES

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will look to?"

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that you women never listen!

Corporate Lesson #3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I normally grant three wishes, but as there are three of you, I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone."Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life by my side."Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson #2:

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit apart to reveal a shapely leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand onto her thigh. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her thigh again. The nun once again said, "Father, please remember Psalm 129!"

The priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower. The doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Tension Reliever

FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India....10 feet na snake...
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganonkatanga...wala namang feet ang snake noh! Gagong Toh!

Erap calling emergency hotline:
Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birth and turning blue.....
Operator: CAlm down sir! Is this her first baby?
Erap: Gago! This is her father!

Erap: Tamad! Di ba sabi ko sayo diligan moang mga halaman!
Hardinero: Sir, umuulan naman po kasi eh!
Erap: Magpapalusot ka pa! Tanga!.....Eh di magkapote ka!

Erap: Doc, I accidentally swalloed a chicken bone!
Doctor: Is it choking?
Erap: No doc. It's Max's!
Doctor: I didn't mean chowking. I said, are you choking?
Erap: No doc, I'm serious!

GMA: I'm planning to stop poverty and mass starvation.
Erap: Alam mo Gloria..yung poverty madaling pigilin...pero ang Masturbation...Aba eh magisip-isip ka muna...human rights violation yan!

Erap: Lintik na shampoo to ayaw bumula
Maid: Sir eh hindi pa po basa buhok niyo
Erap : eh for Dry Hair nga eh.

Naliligo si Erap ng biglang lumindol...
Taranta siyanglumabasna hubo't hubad......
Guard: Sir, may nakalimutan po ata kayong suotin....
Erap: Ay shet! ang Wristband ko!.. Oh No!

Here's More!

Science Class
In a science class.
Classmate : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?
Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesapa din?
Eddie Gil : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!

There was a mirror that eats liars.
pangit: I think I'm CUTE! - kinain siya.
Taba: I think I'm SEXY! - kinain siya.
Eddie Gil: I think.. - kinain na.

Kung nag-Gay language lang sana sina GMA and Garci,eh di sana walang gulo ngayon...
GMA: Hallooo Gracia!
Garci: Yes mother! Nachukchak ko na po yung mgachuva ek-ek!
GMA: Bonggacious! Eh yung mga tienes-tienes,carry na ba?
Garci: Winnie santos mama! Wiz na worry!Eclavou na ever!
GMA: Ang tarush! Babush!

Erap: Pre, ang bilis ko natapos buuin yung puzzle!
Juan: Talaga pare? Gaano kabilis?
Erap: 5 months!
Juan: Ang tagal naman!
Erap: Tanga! Anong matagal?! Nakalagay nga dito "For 3 years and up!"

ERap: Lintik na ibon yon...Iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng toilet paper...
Erap: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan yung pwet non eh nakalipad na! Tanga ka talaga!

More Jokes!

Elevator
Eddie Villanueva: Sorry I'm late! brownout!
na stuck sa elevator for 1 hour
Eddie Gil: Wala yan ako 3 hrs sa escalator

Six or Eight
Eddie Gil calls into a take-out pizza parlor.
Pizza man: Would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight?
Eddie Gil: Six, I don't think I could eat eight.

Ballerina!
While watching a ballerina tip toeing on stage, EddieGil commented-
"Ang tanga naman ng direktor! Bakit hindi na lang syakumuhang matangkad?!"

In a coffee shop:
Eddie Gil: 1 coffee please
Waiter: Decaf, sir?
Eddie Gil: Of course! Debaso is too big and too much for me!

Apollo 13
reporter: mr. Eddie Gil, have you watched"Apollo 13".
Eddie Gil: no, i might not undertand it.reporter: why??
Eddie Gil: because i wasn't able to watch Apollo part1 to 12.

Pizzeria
While in a pizzeria.
Eddie Gil : What are your specialties?
Waiter : Sir, we serve all kinds of pizza.
Eddie Gil : Talaga, bigyan mo nga ako ng Shakey's !!

Joke Time!

Medyas
Isang alalay: Boss Eddie Gil, bakit mag! kaiba angmedyas mo? Isanggreen,isang red.
Eddie Gil: Ewan ko nga kung saan ito nabili ni Misis.May isang pares paako na ganito sa bahay.

Eddie Gil Makes a Wish
Eddie Gil shows a map of the Philippines to a genie and wishes that all the islands be connected by fly-overs
Genie: I'm not that good. Make another wish!
Eddie Gil: Okay. Make me intelligent!
Genie: Can i see the map again?

Eddie Gil calling a hotel receptionist.
Eddie Gil: Paano ako makakalabas dito sa kuwarto ko?
Receptionist: Bakit po sir, ano pong problema sa mgapinto?
Eddie Gil: Dalawa lang ang pinto. Ang isa pag bukas kobanyo. 'Yung isanaman may nakasabit na "do not disturb" ..

Medical Exam
Eddie Gil is appearing for his University final eamination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well.
His pants, socks and watch follow suit.
The nurse, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on
"Miss, I am only following the instructions, "
he says, " it sayshere, "Answer the following questions in brief'."

Pinoy Marriage

Man's life cycle...

3 to 8 years old - Paramihan ng toys

9 to 18 years old - Pataasan ng grades.

19 to 25 - Padamihan ng siyota

26 to 35 - Pagandahan ng asawa.

36 to 45 - Palakihan ng income.

46 to 55 - Padamihan ng kabit.


Theme song of married couples...
1 to 10 years - Araw-araw gabi-gabi
11 to 25 years - Saan ka man naroon
26 to 49 years - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan
50 years and up - Maalaala mo kaya

Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ("May bahay")
Ano naman ang kabit? ("May condo")

Do It Yourself

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people

Windows?

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

The letter PTech Support:

- OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer:- I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support:- On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:- What do you mean?"

Tech Support:- 'P' on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:- I'm not going to do that!

Mouse

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer:- I'd like a mouse mat, please.

Salesperson:- Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.

Customer:- But will they be compatible with my computer?

Fax

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Internet (1)

Customer:- Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?

Internet (2)

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:

Customer:- Hi. Is this the Internet?

Internet (3)

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

Internet (4)

Customer:- So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?

Tech Support:- Yeah

Customer:- And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?

Tech Support:- Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.

Icons

Tech Support:- All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon.

Customer:- That's why I hate this Windows, because of the icons, I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.

Tech Support:- Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --

Customer:I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe icons.

Tech Support:Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?

Customer:- [CLICK]

It crashed!

Customer:- My computer crashed!

Tech Support:- It crashed?

Customer:-Yeah, it won't let me play my game.

Tech Support:- All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.

Customer:- No, it didn't crash -- it crashed.

Tech Support:- Huh?

Customer:- I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work.

Tech Support:- Click on 'File,' then 'New Game'.

Customer:- [pause] Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?

Your Decision

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big wet french kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more trips to Paris, or Italy, no more summers in Tuscany, no more new cars in the garage and no more club memberships or new shoes and dresses every month. But the decision is yours." Then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous looking lady on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled 'You Can Be The Man of Your House' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f*ckin' funeral director would be my guess."

The New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: Fu@k the Indians,

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? - suck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little sh*t.

If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're fu@ked!"

And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

Don't Cry

"Hindi mo dapat iyakan ang nakaraan.

Isipin mo bakit sa harap ang mata?

Iyon ay para lagi mong makita ang hinaharap..."

Doraemon

Unlucky Day

This morning, a man was buttoning his shirt, a button fell off.

After that, he picked up his brief case, and the handle fell off.

Then he went to open the door, and the door knob fell off.

He went to get into his car, and the door handle came off.

Now, he's afraid to pee.

One More Time!

Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay,
lahat ng problema mo, problema ko...
Ano bang problema natin?
Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday. Tayo ang ama!

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Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!

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Dan Torres from Bicol, TNT sa America...

Grocery Cashier: Visa or Master?
Dan: (kinabahan) Hanap Visa ko!
(Nagmadali sumakay sa kotse, but he need gas)
Gasoline Boy: Pay first..
Dan (nerbyos na nerbyos) Patay! Papers daw...
(runs to the booth to call home)
Operator: AT&T, can I help you?
Dan: (namutla): Alam na TNT ako!!
(Labas sya ng booth)
Kano: Are you done?
Dan(pawisan): Alam nila name ko?!
Kano: Tourist?
Dan: Apelyido rin?!
Kano: Be cool!
Dan: Pati Probinsya ko?!
(Hinimatay si Dan)

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Teacher: Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?
Student: Lito Lapid?
Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya...
Student: Lito Lito?
Teacher: Mahaba buhok nya!
Student: Lot Lot?
Teacher: Madami sila...
Student: Lot Lot and Friends?

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Three girls make paalam to their Dad...
Girl 1: Dad, I'm going out with Pete to Eat.
Girl 2: I'm going out with Lance to Dance.
Girl 3: I'm going out with Chuck to...
Dad: Ah, hinde! dito ka lang sa bahay!!!

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Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?
Pare 1: OO pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako
nakalusot!

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Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your
previous job?"

Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"

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Juan: bday ng asawa ko

Pedro: ano regalo mo?

Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.

P: ano naman sinabi?

J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.

P: ano binigay mo?

J: Baraha.

Joke Time!

English: Eat all you can, dont be shy... feel at home...
Tagalog: Kain lang kayo ng kain. Walang hiya kayo...pakiramdam nyo
bahay nyo ito!

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Guro: Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: ' Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala.
Guro: Do niyo kilala si Jose Rizal?!
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section siya!

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Paano humamon ng AWAY ang...BULAG? Magpakita kayo, mga duwag!
Paano humamon ng away ang DULING? Isa-isa lang kayo para patas ang laban!
Paano humamon ng away ang PILAY Patay kung patay! Walang Takbuhan!

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Bigo ka ba sa lav? Eto mga gud partner:
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba.
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan.
Bulag: Walang paki sa looks mo.
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words.
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!

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Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na bahala sa
ating mga anak. I love you....
Wife: He! Tumigil ka nga! Wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

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Pedro: Pare galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing
aid... Grabe ang lakas na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga? Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang...

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Frat Meeting
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang
magawa sa mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!

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Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy: Yun nga eh.. gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!

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Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng biyenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

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Ano English ng "baka maswerte ako? Beef Lucky Me!
Ano ang "maswerte ako Inay?" Lucky Me Mami!
Ano ang "maswerte akong lalake?" Lucky Me with Egg!

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A mental patient is singing while lying on a hospital bed. After a song
dumapa sya.
The nurse asked: "O, bakit ka bumaliktad?"

Patient: "Adik ka ba?! Side B na kaya!"

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American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul..

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Husband comes home 4AM and discovers his wife in bed with another
man.
His wife shouts at him: "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"

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BUS HINOLDAP!
Holdaper: Re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: Ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! Sasagot pa! Gagang 'to!

Phrases to Live By

1. Anong ingay man ng halinghing, nakalilibog pa rin.

2. Ang tumanggi sa romansa, walang silbi ang nota.

3. Ang taong sa sexy ay bitin, nagiging malilimutin.

4. Walang matimtimang birhen sa pasmadong uten.

5. Etits mang anong tigas, lalata rin sa loob ng hiyas.

6. Mabuti pa ang maliit na daliri kaysa pantay na titi.

7. Sa titing galet, WALANG PANGET!.

8. Ang titi, ibaon man nang anong lalim, paglamboy ay aahon din.

9. Walang pinsan pinsan sa titing tulisan....

Useful Exercise

Frequent hot kissing sessions is a good cardio-vascular exercise.

Frequent sex makes people smart.

Orgasm stimulates and rejuvinates brain cells making the person very intelligent.

Hello genius!

Panda Story

Anong sabi ng panda sa photographer ?

"Kuya, gusto ko colored ha."

:)