Tension Reliever

FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo from India....10 feet na snake...
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo ba ako!? Di ako ganonkatanga...wala namang feet ang snake noh! Gagong Toh!

Erap calling emergency hotline:
Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birth and turning blue.....
Operator: CAlm down sir! Is this her first baby?
Erap: Gago! This is her father!

Erap: Tamad! Di ba sabi ko sayo diligan moang mga halaman!
Hardinero: Sir, umuulan naman po kasi eh!
Erap: Magpapalusot ka pa! Tanga!.....Eh di magkapote ka!

Erap: Doc, I accidentally swalloed a chicken bone!
Doctor: Is it choking?
Erap: No doc. It's Max's!
Doctor: I didn't mean chowking. I said, are you choking?
Erap: No doc, I'm serious!

GMA: I'm planning to stop poverty and mass starvation.
Erap: Alam mo Gloria..yung poverty madaling pigilin...pero ang Masturbation...Aba eh magisip-isip ka muna...human rights violation yan!

Erap: Lintik na shampoo to ayaw bumula
Maid: Sir eh hindi pa po basa buhok niyo
Erap : eh for Dry Hair nga eh.

Naliligo si Erap ng biglang lumindol...
Taranta siyanglumabasna hubo't hubad......
Guard: Sir, may nakalimutan po ata kayong suotin....
Erap: Ay shet! ang Wristband ko!.. Oh No!